A FEW THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria.  They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.




POLICE

While taking a routine vandalism report at
an elementary school, I was interrupted by a
little girl about six years old. Looking up
and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should
ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her
foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my
police van in front of the station. As I
gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake,
was barking, and I saw a little boy staring
in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he
asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that
delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used
to take my four-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress
for a party. When she saw her dad donning his
tuxedo, she warned,
"Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a
headache next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of
his church, our minister heard the intoning of
a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the
Sonnn . ......and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first
week of school. "I'm just wasting my time,"
she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write - and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He
was fascinated as he fingered through the old
pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"